I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
absolutely not
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.