Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me