Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You Might Also Like
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen