You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it