I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
english majors be like furthermore
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station