If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Not😆🤣
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.