Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Ferrari squats
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.