A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
So glad we cleared that up
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE