*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.