Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
You Might Also Like
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat