My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Haha! 😂
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”