The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]