10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
sleeping beauty
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident