People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You Might Also Like
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Why does laundry happen to good people?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed