hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
me after drinking all the wine:
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.