Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Proctology is located in A55
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
They’re called werewolves.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.