God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
You deplete me
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison