Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar