Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*