Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.