Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.