Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You Might Also Like
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
he’s doing your taxes
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.