*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
WHO DID THIS?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time