I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My therapist after every session
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.