One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
oh u like geography? name every lake
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
What the hell happened in there??
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.