Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*