I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I can’t stop watching this.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I feel seen.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders