If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?