#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
found this cool rock hiking today
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
August 8
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid