How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
When libraries troll their patrons.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.