Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.