Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out