EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes