I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
i hate you platonically
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?