“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food