“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
dude it’s called proctologist
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived