I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I enjoy a good short stor
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING