Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.