If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose