I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK