Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.