First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
You Might Also Like
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
May never get over this
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
You look like you would fail a DNA test
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.