If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”