My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Anyone want a chair?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.