Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you