I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
#catsoftwitter
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?