[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
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“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button