Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Rambo Rambow
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.