Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so