[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me My dog
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”